The Lamp Has Eyes
by Red Witch
Summary: What secrets does the lamp in the Membrane home hold? What do you do with so much toilet paper and too much time? And what about the brownies? And why is Gaz so annoyed? Okay maybe that question is a bit obvious...


**There is nothing sane about this. I don't own any Invader Zim characters. I don't even own that weird lamp thingy I've seen in a couple of episodes. This is just a mad idea. IT'S MADNESS!**

**The Lamp Has Eyes**

It all started the way things usually started. With Zim and Dib fighting for the fate of the world in the living room at the Membrane House. Well actually the usual start to these things was normally at the Skool or at Zim's base, but for the past few months Zim had gotten into a habit of trying to attack Dib at his house every Saturday.

Trying being the operative word.

"Gir! I **told** you to pack the Destructo Molecular Ray in your storage compartment!" Zim screamed. He had taken off his human disguise and currently facing off against Dib in his living room. "You better not have filled it up with cupcakes again!"

"Course not Mastah," Gir had his dog suit half off so he could get at the compartment and showed Zim what he had. "I got **brownies!"**

"Is it me or is your robot…Kind of stupid?" Dib blinked.

"It's not stupid! It's advanced!" Zim yelled. "It's **advanced!**"

"You mean an advanced form of **stupidity**," Gaz played her video game on the couch.

"Ha! Good one Gaz!" Dib chuckled.

"Shut up Dib!" Gaz snapped. "I'm trying to…What? This level's over **already**? The whole **game **is over? I can't believe this stupid game only had a hundred and twenty levels! What a gyp!" She tore her game out of her Game Slave and threw it against the wall.

"HA! You made a mistake Zim! Now prepare for your doom!" Dib pulled out a strange orange weapon that looked like it had a huge roll of toilet paper in it.

"What is that? Is…That a roll of toilet paper?" Zim scratched his head.

"Uh…" Dib blinked. "Yeah…"

"You're fighting an alien with a gun that shoots only **toilet paper**?" Gaz snorted.

"Give me a break! It was the first thing I was able to grab when Zim invaded our home!" Dib shouted.

"With **brownies**," Gaz mocked.

"Yes! My brownies of Doom trump your pathetic toilet paper thing!" Zim said proudly.

"They're **delicious!**" Gir ate the brownies.

"Oh this day just gets dumber and dumber…" Gaz shook her head. "Where did you get that stupid thing anyway? You didn't make it did you?"

"No I didn't make a weapon that shoots toilet paper!" Dib said. "I got it from Dad's room!"

"You were sneaking around in there looking for inventions weren't you?" Gaz asked.

"Well yeah," Dib admitted. "Hey at least I got a **weapon **here! Zim only has brownies!"

"**Had** brownies," Gaz corrected as Gir made a huge burp. "But I see your point."

"What are you gonna do Dib? Wait until I cleanse my bowels with waste for me to use it?" Zim snapped.

"No! I'm gonna tie you up with it!" Dib shouted.

"No! You will not tie Zim up with the toilet paper thing!" Zim protested.

"Tie me up! _Tie me Little Gir down Big Head Boy_!" Gir hopped up and down. _"Tie me Little Gir down!"_

"It's toilet paper, Zim!" Gaz smacked her forehead. "You'd just break through anyway!"

"Ga-aaz! Don't tell him that!" Dib said.

"Dib even Zim would figure that out eventually," Gaz snapped. "Great! Not only don't I have a good videogame to play I have to watch you three being **stupid** all day! On the other hand, even you guys are more interesting to watch than network television."

"By the way I have a question. What is up with that creepy **thing?**" Zim pointed to a lamp that looked exactly like Membrane. "I've been in your house a few times and I always noticed it."

"The lamp?" Dib blinked. "Oh that. It's just a lamp that looks like my Dad."

"Why? I mean why does it have the image of your father?" Zim recoiled in disgust. "That's just…Weird."

"I think it was one of Dad's failed merchandising deals," Dib shrugged.

"Oh yeah. That thing's always been there. I remember when Dib was a baby and tried to talk to it," Gaz snorted. "That was kind of funny. It took forever for him to figure out it wasn't Dad."

"I wasn't even two at the time!" Dib was angry. "Besides I remember seeing you do some babbling at it myself!"

"I did not!" Gaz snapped.

"Did so!" Dib snapped.

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not, Dib!"

"Did so, Gaz!"

"Ooh I got something!" Gir spoke cheerfully. He fully unzipped his dog costume and a detector poked out of his head. "Coming from inside!"

"Hey get away from that!" Gaz snapped as Gir went to grab the Membrane lamp. "That's our stupid lamp!"

"Ah ha! Good work Gir! Your Detection Device Thingy has finally kicked into use!" Zim cackled.

"Detection Device…_Thingy_?" Gaz asked in disbelief.

"Seriously, that's kind of a stupid name," Dib blinked.

"He probably forgot what it's really called," Gaz told Dib.

"Yeah that sounds like Zim," Dib nodded.

"HEY! ZIM IS RIGHT HERE!" Zim yelled. "And I did not forget the Device Detection Thingy's name! It's just…That's just an awesome name of **power!**"

"I thought you said it was the Detection Device Thingy?" Dib asked.

"I did!"

"But you just called it a Device Detection Thingy," Dib pointed out. "So which is it? It can't be **both!"**

"Yes it can because Zim **wishes** it so!" Zim was getting frustrated.

"You have no idea what it's really called do you?" Dib folded his arms.

"Look the point is that the device that detects stuff is **mine** and Gir has found something in that stupid lamp of yours!" Zim shouted in anger.

"Then why don't you just call it a Stuff Detection Device?" Dib asked.

"Maybe I really **should** do what that counselor suggested and make one or two friends?" Gaz groaned. "At least then I wouldn't hear stupid conversations **like **this one!"

"Give me that! No! It's mine! I thought it was your Dad's? Just give it to me!" Dib and Zim grappled over the lamp.

"I mean seriously," Gaz looked at Gir. "This is what my life has been reduced to? Watching two idiots fight over a lamp? I mean the kids at school can't be any dumber than **this!**"

"Ah ha! I got it! A remote camera recording device!" Zim cackled as he managed to yank out a camera from the top of the lamp. As he dropped the lamp, Dib caught it. Zim simply danced around the room. "Victory for Zim! Zim has found a camera in a lamp! A camera that records everything!"

"Even the fact that you're not wearing your disguise now?" Gaz asked in a bored voice.

"Oh right…" Zim stopped dancing.

"Wait if this lamp has a camera and if Zim was in my house without his disguise…That means there's **proof!**" Dib realized as he put the lamp back. "Real proof that Zim's an alien!"

"Cool!" Gir spoke.

"Not cool, Gir! Hot! I mean, bad! Very bad!" Zim glared at his robot. "And put your disguise back on!"

"Okey dokey smokey pokey!" Gir did so.

"Where the flork did I put my disguise?" Zim looked around. Dib took the opportunity to grab the camera. "HEY!"

"Ah ha! Now to find out where this camera is transmitting to," Dib took out a device from his pocket. "Ah ha! Now all I have to do is follow the signal and I've got my proof!"

"YOINK!" Zim had grabbed his human disguise and grabbed Dib's device. "VICTORY FOR ZIM!" He used his PAK legs to jump out of the window.

"ZIM!" Dib screamed. He grabbed a nearby backpack filled with tools for alien hunting.

"Time to bring out my third favorite playing," Gaz remarked as she took out a large baseball bat.

"Come back here Zim you maniac!" Dib chased after Zim with his toilet paper gun.

"VICTORY FOR ZIM!"

"OVER MY COLD DEAD BODY ALIEN!"

Gaz and Gir just stood there. Gaz stared at the lamp with the baseball bat. Gir blinked expecting her to do something but she didn't.

"I'm torn. If I destroy the creepy lamp I torture Dib and really sock it to Dad. But since I kind of like the creepy lamp if I wreck it I might miss it but it will wreck Zim's life," Gaz thought aloud. "Hmmmm…?"

Meanwhile Dib and Zim were racing across rooftops with skills that would make many parkour enthusiasts jealous. "You won't get away with this Zim!" Dib kept shooting shots of toilet paper at Zim.

"Oh yes I will! I will get away with this that I will get away from…with!" Zim cackled as he avoided the toilet paper shots. And of course all the toilet paper covered everything else. Roofs, chimneys, trees…

"Arf?" A dog covered in toilet paper barked.

"Ha! Zim will not fall to your toilet paper of doom!" Zim cackled.

"You can run but you can't hide Zim!" Dib shot out another blast of toilet paper that hit a bird mid air and caused it to crash down right in front of a hungry cat.

Meanwhile Gaz and Gir stood back at the house, still staring at the lamp. "Notice how the eyes just seems to follow you all around the room?" Gaz moved to the side a little. So did Gir.

"I love lamps!" Gir said cheerfully.

"Soon! Soon the proof will be mine! Ha ha!" Zim cackled as he scurried across the rooftops of the town.

"Not if I get it first, **Zim!"** Dib shouted, shooting toilet paper at him all the way and just plain making a mess.

"The signal is getting closer! Closer!" Zim cackled. "Closer to Dib's doom!"

"It's not **my** doom! It's **your** doom and **hold still!"** Dib missed another shot at Zim.

The shot missed Zim and fell into an alley where a hobo was waiting. "Ooh! This will come in handy!" The Hobo smirked as he grabbed the toilet paper. He wrapped the toilet paper around him. "All right! It's time to go to the ball!"

"Ah ha! There it is! There it is!" Zim pointed to the building where the recording device was.

"No you…Hey wait! That's **my **house!" Zim shouted.

"Oh yeah. So it is," Zim blinked.

"So basically you made us both run all over town for **nothing?**" Dib snapped.

"Uh…It does sound kind of pointless when you say it like that," Zim blinked.

"I can't believe that the camera was connected to a device inside the house all this time!" Dib yelled in frustration.

"I can't believe I'm being so indecisive about this," Gaz said as she and Gir stood in front of the lamp. "I mean it's creepy but I'm just so used to it."

"But is it art?" Gir asked.

"Hmmm…" Gaz thought as she looked at the lamp.

Meanwhile Zim and Dib managed to make their way inside the attic. It was dusty and filled with outdated machines. "Ah ha! There is the device! Victory is AAAHHH!" Zim was finally hit with the toilet paper. He was caught on it with his PAK legs first so he fell face first to the ground. Then his body was caught in it.

"HA! YES! THE PROOF IS MINE!" Dib cackled as he ran over Zim to grab the device.

"Idiot! This is toilet paper!" Zim struggled. "Zim can break through this easily! Zim will break through…" Zim struggled. "Going to break through any second now! Any second…"

"Now to get the proof…"Dib cackled as he fiddled with the machine.

"Zim will stop you! Zim will…Hey is this stuff three ply or what?" Zim asked.

"Four ply actually. My Dad invented four ply toilet paper," Dib explained.

"Oh. Zim will soon break through these soft, comfortable bonds and YES!" Zim broke free. "Victory for **Zim!**"

"There's no victory for you Zim!" Dib looked at the device. "There's no victory for **either** of us!"

"Huh?" Zim blinked.

"See for yourself!" Dib showed him. "Whoever put this recording device in here forgot to put something to **record **on! There's no tape or disk! In other words this thing is on but it's **not **recording anything!"

"Not recording _anything?_" Zim blinked.

"Not a thing."

"So this whole thing we went through was **pointless?**"

"Completely."

"WELL WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?" Zim yelled.

"What to do? What to do?" Gaz stood there confused. "Is it possible I actually have some kind of attachment to this dumb thing? Just because it looks like my Dad?"

"I like squirrels," Gir remarked. "Do you have any popcorn?"

"You realize of course this whole mess is all **your** fault!" Dib snapped as he and Zim stormed back into the living room.

"Shut up Dib Stink! Another stupid fight with stupid Dib over stupid nothing!" Zim grumbled as he grabbed Gir and dragged him away. "Come on Gir, we'll destroy Dib another day!"

"Bye!" Gir waved. Zim dragged him out of the room.

"Let me guess, no proof huh?" Gaz asked.

"Grrrrr! I **HATE** THIS LAMP!" Dib freaked out. He grabbed the baseball bat out of Gaz's hand and started to smash the lamp himself. "I HATE THIS THING SO MUCH! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID…"

"DIB! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The real Membrane walked into the room. "Why are you destroying that lamp! You're in a lot of trouble young man!"

"Ah the **perfect** solution," Gaz snickered. "It's true. Good things **do** come to those who wait."

"Dad…I can explain…" Dib backed away.

"You're gonna _get it_," Gaz grinned.

"Dib! I can't believe you broke that lamp it's…" Membrane then looked at the lamp. "YIKES! WHAT IS THAT CREEPY THING?" The lamp still looked like Membrane.

"Didn't you make it in your image to keep an eye on us?" Dib asked.

"I don't remember," Membrane blinked. "Wait…What if **I** didn't? What if it was put there by my arch nemesis, Professor Falkie?"

"It had a camera in it but turned out it wasn't working," Dib said.

"I KNEW IT!" Membrane cackled. "Just the sort of incompetence I'd come to expect by my enemy!"

"What?" Gaz raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah…That's why I destroyed it…" Dib thought fast. "It might have been put there to spy on you. By your enemy."

"You're just saying that to get out of trouble," Gaz folded her arms. "Dad! You're supposed to punish him! Punish him!"

"Yes Gaz! We must punish him! Punish that fool Falkie for trying to spy on me! And…" He looked around. "Has this room always been this color? I've never seen it before. And where'd that couch come from? I always thought our couch was **blue!** Why doesn't this room look familiar?"

"That's because you're never in the **house** long enough to notice! You're not listening to me!" Gaz shouted.

"Welcome to **my** world, Gaz," Dib gave her a look. "Hey Dad! Want to get back at your arch rival? I've got my spare toilet paper gun!" He took it out of his backpack.

"Good boy Dib! Come Dib! We're going to do a little redecorating of our own!" Membrane cackled as he took the gun. "First you and I will stop by my lab to pick up a few other little things we need. Eggs, fire extinguishers…Sulfur nitrate…radioactive waste…"

"Dad as much as I love mindless destruction, don't you think that the more **logical **conclusion is that you made the lamp and forgot about it?" Gaz was very annoyed.

"To the radioactive waste disposal unit!" Membrane called out as he ran off to wreak revenge.

"YAY! WE'RE BONDING!" Dib squealed with glee as he went to follow his father for a night of father son demolition. "COMING DAD!"

"Oh great, insanity is genetic…" Gaz groaned.

Three hours later…

"Major scandal! Police arrested world famous scientist Professor Membrane and his insane son Dib for vandalism," A reporter spoke to the camera on television. "Toilet paper and radioactive waste are littering the streets!"

"Get your hands off me!" Membrane struggled in handcuffs with three policemen trying to put him in a police car. "I'm a **scientist!** This was all done in the name of **science**! Besides its all the boy's fault that the entire town is covered in toilet paper!"

"Hey! It was **your** idea to use genetic mutating radioactive waste on your rival's house!" Dib yelled from the police car.

"BARK! BARK! BARK!"

"How was I supposed to know the man likes Chihuahuas and they would grow to the size of Godzilla?" Membrane yelled.

"WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!"

"I'm glad I'm not cleaning up **that** mess!" The reporter winced.

"Taser 'em both for resisting arrest!" A cop called out.

"I'm **not** resisting!" Dib pleaded. "I'm being cooperative! See! Not fighting back! Being very submissive here! YEOWWWWW!" He was tasered by a female cop.

"Get your hands off me you…" Membrane swore as he was tasered. "I'M FAMOUS! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO TREAT FAMOUS PEOPLE?"

"Oh well in that case…" A cop said. "Boys, beat the Professor up here **and** taser him!"

"YEARGAGA GEARA YARRRGGAAA!" Membrane screamed as he was tasered, beaten, tastered again and thrown into the back of the police car.

Gaz simply sat in front of the television eating popcorn. "Eh, let 'em rot in jail."


End file.
